dueling banjos

CNN countdown says that there are 7 days, 17 hours, and 7 minutes left until election day.  It can’t come soon enough.

Relationships are tricky things in the every day thick and muck of life.  Add in the gift we have as Americans - democracy - and our right to vote and the media and the constant onslaught of TV adds, interviews, debates, blog posts, facebook comments, and it gets even trickier.

Political views aren’t something that are shared just because blood is shared or marraige or friendship.  It can seem as unique as fingerprints.  Finding a voice that sounds like yours isn’t easy.  But what is harder is hearing the voices that are so different from yours that it challenges you to remember to be civil.  And in the last 40 days, the campaigns haven’t been civil, the media hasn’t been civil, and remembering that the election is over soon doesn’t always help those around you to be civil. 

Civility includes not taking it personally!  What you believe shouldn’t change who a person is in your life.  But the words used towards each other and the way we discuss our differences could have us second guess who we have in our lives - but if it only happens during election times does it count?

Personally, I will be glad when the election is over.  Whoever wins, and I will vote for Obama, has a tough road ahead.  But I will be glad when I don’t have to bite my tongue because people around me have totally different logic, ideals, and thoughts about what is “right”.  I won’t have to turn my head when people I love push in areas I don’t want to talk about - we aren’t coming to a common ground today.  And on election day that is when I will do what I think is right, and they have their chance for the same thing.   Vote.

Then we can go back to being annoyed because of ANYTHING else and not talk about this election.   And hope that civility makes it way back to the media, the congree, our relationships.   

something happened with the hosting of this blog, but it’s back online now. Now, we just need to post some more (hint, hint)…

I’ve always distrusted the word “normal”.

I am 33 years old, or 33% dead if I live to 100 years old. I have recently started collecting little plastic figures like this:

and I really like the writing of Chuck Palahniuk, whose work has been described like so:

“To Palahniuk’s credit, there is something here to appall almost every sensibility. The author has a singular knack for coming up with inventive new ways to shock and degrade.” New York Post

My birth-father committed suicide.

I don’t like the popular Easter time candy named “Peeps”. Blech.

Am I normal?

3 years ago I spent a week on the couch at my mom’s house, sleeping on and off all day long. The sleep followed the panic attacks. Xanax helped a lot, but I missed a shitload of work and went to the hospital after a “speaking in tongues” incident that freaked my mom out. My wife and daughter were in Florida visiting her folks at the time.

That wasn’t so normal.

What it taught me was that I wasn’t just depressed, but riddled with anxiety about ALL KINDS OF THINGS.

Obsessive thoughts are fine except when they override your ability to function. That week was a doozy. I kept going to work trying to be “normal” and would panic by 10am because I couldn’t remember how to do anything in Photoshop.

I learned a lot from that experience.

Let’s switch gears a little bit.

SEX.

Sex is normal. Sex with regularity is not just normal, but can be really fun. Most folks who have had sex and enjoyed it like to have it with some regularity. What is the normal amount for a married couple with two kids?

Hellifiknow. The web says it used to be 3 to 4 times a week, but that in recent years it was lessened to between 1 and 3 times a month.

I obsessed about this issue quite a lot after our second child was born. I felt like we were in a drought. Talking about it, arguing about it… nothing helped. Finally, I got bored with the topic.

I think our sex life has rebounded. I don’t really keep track anymore. When we do have sex, though, it is generally really good. Maybe “saving it up” helps. Maybe not having the dog lick my ankle helps (the dog sleeps in the bed…)

If you do it too much, it gets really boring.

WEIGHT.

Thanks to a recent bout with either Salmonella, E. Coli, or Shigella, I am now 5 pounds lighter. Woohoo. I also have started washing my hands more thoroughly (but not obsessively, yet). I am 6 feet tall and now weigh and all time ten year low of 210. That is naked, on the scale at home. At the f-ing doctor’s office, I’m always 10 pounds more.

How do people perceive me? As “big guy”. I hate that.

— “Hey, big guy!”

— “(yes, fuck-o?)”

I am not petite. I have always wanted to be slender and tall.

A recent experience highlighted something for me on the subject. I saw a woman who was slender and well-toned. Very attractive to me. And yet, she put off this air of extreme unhappiness.

Lesson-learned: being trim and fit won’t make anyone happy. And happiness is more important to me than how people perceive me. I still worry about that though… Why?

[INTERRUPT]**** I DON’T WANT OR INTEND FOR THIS TO COME OUT LIKE A SLEW OF PAT ANSWERS TO COMPLICATED ISSUES ****[/INTERRUPT]

MAKE-UP

I don’t wear make up and I don’t think that it is “normal” for women to always wear make up. It is ordinary and is a product of our patriarchal society and the way that we treat women as objects. I’m sure some people will object and say, “but I can’t go out without my lipstick” or “without mascara I have no ‘eyes’”.

WTF?

You have no eyes?

Good grief, listen to yourself!

On a related note, I have to admit I won’t go out without a shower. And combing my beard.

THE POINT?

The point is life is too short (and could be shorter than anyone expects — my stepfather died at 52) and that while all these worries and trips we put ourselves on are completely valid, we should never let them consume us.

What’s the remedy then? A good, open conversation with friends. A laughing spell. A beer and some good silliness. Being honest with ourselves and each other. Taking time out to be a mess and revel in it. We’re human, after all.

I always wonder if this is just me.  The worry, the stress, the consuming thoughts about what is “normal”, what is acceptable behavior/clothes/words.  I sensor myself a lot on my other blog.  So many things I want to say or react to but worry about offending or being weird or out of place or disrespectful or…

See, obsessive.  So what is normal? 

• What is normal when talking to a pre-schoolers teacher?  What am I allowed to ask or request and not be an overbearing mom?
• What is normal in terms of finances, are we ahead of the game or behind it?
• What is normal for fighting with your husband?  For sex?  For sex after 2 kids?
• What is the proper hair length for a 33 yo women?  Is mine too long for my age?  Should I cut it more?
• How “fat” am I?  How am I perceived?  What do other people see?  I have no idea how I compare to everyone around me - I have a warped sense of this.
• Should I wear make-up?  Is it weird I don’t?
• How much risk should a couple in our position take on investments?
• Am I too lazy?  Am I too unstructured with the kids when we are home?
• How bad do we really eat compared to other families with 2 working families and kids?
• Is it really not normal that I don’t fawn over our dog?
• Is it normal that when I start a book I can finish 629 pages in under 3 days, and work, hit the pool, take care of the kids and house?

Everything I do and everything I think about ties into these type of thoughts.  Is that normal?  Do other people do that?  I don’t think my husband does at all.  Is it a girl thing?  Is it a moving every 2 years thing?  Is it me and I need medical intervention?

I do think that we are doing OK.  We have great family, great friends, great kids.  But underneath the pollyanna and the filtering of what I share of my life, I wonder.  I wonder if these thoughts are OK?  I am able to manage and function and do what needs to be done.  But sometimes I wonder.  I wonder if I need to be locked up or on medication or maybe it is normal.  I wonder if any of this spills over to my kids, I don’t want it to.  I want my girls to be carefree like their dad.

I don’t even care about the competition of some of the things above, I just want to know if we are average or where we need to improve to be normal.  I wonder if it matters?  I wonder…

If I don’t hit publish right now I won’t post this.  I wonder if I should.